I frequently see social media posts proclaim that “anger and the expression of anger is healthy.” This is a two-part statement, and I want to address each part separately. I wholeheartedly agree with the first part of the statement, anger is healthy; It is an amazing initiator and a fabulous tool. The idea that the expression of anger is healthy is very nuanced and that’s not to say it is unhealthy to express how we are feeling, but how we express it can, and often is detrimental to our personal relationships and sometimes our lives in general.

 Anger has many roots and it arises when those roots are touched much like an exposed nerve in the body.  Our response can fall into 2 primary categories: offensive “I have to get them before they get me” It is based on the anticipation of conflict. Then there is defensive, “I must protect myself at all costs,” this is reactive and even though you are not seeking conflict from this position you will hold your ground immediately and without question. No matter the position, the emotion along with the response is based on past experiences.

What is Anger

  Anger is a secondary emotion, and it often arises when one or more primary emotions have been triggered. It is a way of protecting our deeper self from further harm much like the way an injured animal becomes aggressive as a way of protecting itself from further injury. We often use anger and aggression to protect our own vulnerability and though it masks many individual primary emotions those individual emotions fall into several main categories. The first being pain or grief such as disappointment, heartbreak or emotional pain. This type of wound is often created by someone we trusted because who else would have that kind of power to injure us in such a manner.  The next category is relational wounds such as feeling undervalued, unappreciated and unseen among a few others.  The third primary category would be unworthiness or shame like embarrassment, humiliation, or guilt. The fourth would be Fear and vulnerability. This one categorizes emotions like fear of loss or rejection, feelings of helplessness or loss of control. Having our boundaries violated or our identity challenged is a big one and can show up as feeling disrespected or dismissed. The fifth and final primary category is boundaries and personal identity and includes feeling manipulated or controlled.  A big trigger for me personally that falls into this would be injustice and a lack of equality, this one spikes my blood pressure instantly. Not just experiencing it personally but witnessing others experiencing it. These are only a few of the more likely culprits of the trigger. These are some of the experiences we have that trigger our anger however that is not how it begins; this is why anger is considered a secondary emotion. The trigger is also more of a sub-consciousness event than a conscious one. This however doesn’t mean we have no control over it. I am simply highlighting that anger is a present tense signal of a past wound. The chain reaction started in the past with emotional injury that gets stored in the amygdala and in the present moment when we are triggered the amygdala hijacks control and suppresses the prefrontal cortex shutting down logic. The amygdala is part of the limbic system and governs emotion, emotional memory, bonding and attachment, along with threat assessment.

   When anger arises, it is not only a form of protection, but it is also the primary emotion demanding your attention. It is your inner self demanding to be acknowledged, validated, and healed.  Our anger is our responsibility, the person or the issue that triggered it is not the direct cause of what we are feeling, this also doesn’t mean that they didn’t violate a boundary or cause emotional pain in some way. This simply means that our anger existed before this moment during this interaction.  The act of being triggered can be used not only to explore deeper into ourselves and past emotions and injuries, but also to figure out what we need and how to communicate those needs to help strengthen our relationships. In this I believe anger is healthy to experience.

Expression of anger:

  My issue is with the second part of the statement “…the expression of anger is healthy.” This is very nuanced and deserves close examination. When we are triggered, we often say things we don’t mean, or it is perceived in a way that we did not intend. We fail to communicate effectively and fully explain our position causing a breakdown in communication. This can harm relationships and we all know apologies do not erase what was said or done. It doesn’t ease the pain or the impact of our words and actions.  It also doesn’t prevent the trigger from being touched in the future. The only way to prevent future triggers and preserve the relationship is to fully acknowledge ourselves and why we were triggered in the first place.  None of this is intended to say there is not a very real issue in the moment that triggered you, but there is still a past event that created the wound. I can say this with almost 100% certainty because if this was the first initial time you have experienced this, anger would not be what shows up. It would be the primary emotion first and then the anger. So even though we have the current event to deal with we also have the past event amplifying our reaction. In these moments when we notice we are becoming aggressive or reactive it is important to disengage. This isn’t about suppressing the emotions, it’s about taking time to evaluate the situation, identifying the primary emotions that are trying to surface and what kind of resolution would solve the current issue. It’s about communicating effectively in the moment while also identifying the past moment that turned this particular event into a trigger.  This is not about being a doormat with a welcome sign, it is actually the opposite. Once rational boundaries are clearly outlined, they should not be intentionally crossed. If they are then you control the outcome.

How to use anger as a tool:

   As I said before, anger is a personal tool, so how do we use it?

    When we notice that we either are or are becoming angry the first thing that needs to be done is to disengage from what is currently going on. When I am in an argument I will say something like “listen I understand this is an important topic and I want to continue, but I am feeling frustrated/angry and I would like to calm down and regroup before continuing.” I then walk away and find something to do while I calm myself down. I understand that not every person that engages with you is going to make this space. In situations where the other is not willing to disengage you can still maintain control by walking away or simply refusing to respond to them. My point is you control you and they can’t force you to engage. A person who cannot respect this simple request and who refuses to follow respectful rules of engagement should probably be talked to before it ever gets to this point.**Sidenote: I have dealt with these situations in the past, and the truth is people must want to change, recognize that change takes work and practice and they must be willing to do the practice. We cannot personally force them to do this, and no amount of begging will achieve this. The beauty of using this statement is it leaves the door open to return to the conversation once you have organized and explored the moment. It is something that needs to be addressed and the time you take coupled with what you learn will determine how it is addressed in the near future.

  Once you have separated from the situation and you are in a safe space it is up to you to calm down and transition your brain back to the prefrontal cortex. This can take some time depending on how amped up you got before pausing the confrontation. This is not a time to contact friends, family, or your social media following. When we do those things we give away our sovereignty and continue hyper fixating on the “how dare they,,, , but they always… “thoughts that circulate in our brains after these types of interactions. Also reaching out keeps us focused on what they did or said and now we are being reinforced in our thoughts by others who may or may not have your best intentions in mind. It is time to be your own advisor. To know how to do this we need to look at science. Since anger is actually triggered by the amygdala, we need to calm it down so we can access our critical thinking skills in the prefrontal cortex. Techniques for finding calm vary depending on the state of our emotion. Mild annoyances can often be calmed quickly by taking a few deep breaths into the belly and releasing that breath slowly, maybe taking some time outside or doing something you enjoy that isn’t based on technology. The goal isn’t to completely detach but to calm down. More extreme levels of emotion will take longer to reset, especially if your fight or flight has been triggered due to deeper levels of unresolved trauma. The breathwork is a must because it is the easiest Vagus nerve stimulation that can be done anywhere. Immersing yourself in the moment is very important because it is a stronger form of grounding. I have a meditation that does this with the feet because that can be done even while you are going about your day. Not everyone likes the physical aspect of this type of grounding and that’s fine. The goal of this grounding is more about taking your awareness from the event and recentering it in the present moment you are in now. You want to pick something to focus on in your environment and then you want to notice everything there is about it. The more you practice this the more you will explore and discover until you realize that your brain has made the transition. There truly is no set time frame on this process. I have been able to achieve it in minutes, but sometimes it can take hours.

What if you don’t want to calm down in this present moment? That’s a choice and you can actively make it the point is having awareness. Being aware of the choice allows you to be aware of the thoughts and this can be an enlightening process as long as you are observing the thoughts. The point at this point in the process is uncovering the primary emotion the anger is masking and as your thoughts spiral you can discover valuable clues to what your emotions are trying to tell you.

The work:

  Once you are calm though is where the actual work takes place. This is an interrogation of the self. There is no one size that fits all with the questions because every situation is different.   The first thing you might want to consider is if your anger is valid. Remove all assumptions from what took place. If it wasn’t expressly said, put it aside for now or write it down if you are worried you may forget. The point of this step is to not fill in the gaps with our perceptions. To validate yourself, think back to the beginning of what started this whole situation. How do you really feel about it and why, should it have been given enough importance to get upset over and if it does why. Is this about you personally or is it about others? Is this even a topic on things you can control and regardless of if it is or isn’t what purpose does your anger serve? Though our anger serves the purpose of protecting us it is often nothing beyond an emotional display to others. If your anger is not valid and you decide that you overreacted, that is still something to be explored, but in the end, it does get handled differently. The fact is we got angry and now we need to figure out the root cause of that anger. This is why we need to be radically honest with ourselves and not make excuses. Only you are going to know about this self-inquiry so why be dishonest. Once we have validated or even invalidated our anger, we need to explore what primary emotions are being protected. When evaluating what happened from a calm place I often evaluate what I thought happened while acknowledging that it may not actually be what happened. What did they say and how did I interpret their words? Evaluating the projections is where the insight comes from. Why would I think that’s what they meant, what other events in my past would cause me to interpret their words this way. I use things people say as an example of my rabbit hole of thoughts, but actions can just as easily be interchanged for words.  Like I said I look to the past because the root injury will show up as the primary emotion, not anger. A lot of times we can see our perception and interpretation of current events as actual events in the past and a lot of times they stem back to childhood or past close relationships. If the thought “ you sound just like, or So-n-so did this” these are clues to the primary wound and shouldn’t be discarded. They should be analyzed. It is important to understand that actions have many causes and though we have experienced one reason or one outcome from similar situations it does not mean this one is identical.

It is important not to assign meaning to the current event that wasn’t explicitly said or done. We should not assume we know what the other person meant because these assumptions are also based on past events and pattern recognition and even patterns can fool us. Once we have done all the excavating and identified at least one of the roots, we need to evaluate the memory. What was said in the moment, how did it make you feel, was it true, is it true now, what was their motivation? Things in our past are often said as a way to manipulate the outcome of a situation. A deeper line of inquiry about this would be why did you believe it and if you didn’t in the moment, did you ever? If not, why are we still telling ourselves this story if it isn’t true? Most of the stories we tell ourselves are fiction, but through our belief they have somehow become true.

Revisiting the argument:

  Now it is time to figure out the argument, let’s not forget how this rabbit hole started. What was that argument about exactly?  What was your point? Was there a boundary that was violated? Identify the things you wanted to say and figure out a respectful way to say them. I often use “I” phrases I feel, I think I need, my opinion etc. Any phrase that takes personal ownership is neutral ground. It keeps the listeners’ ears open and keeps them engaged. The minute we use “You” phrases it starts a cycle of escalation, and their defenses get triggered because they have primary emotions to protect. They stop listening and immediately start dictating their defense even if it is only in their head. If they are thinking they are not listening. It’s also a good idea to ask for clarification on what they personally may have meant when saying phrases that you assigned a meaning to, but wasn’t explicitly said. This will provide you with more insight into the other person and how their mind works. We as a society constantly say things in ways they are not intended and it is important to remember that.  What if you realized your anger was not justified? Now it is time to do the right thing and apologize.  At this point you have come to understand why you may have reacted the way you did, and it is vital that we own this, explain yourself, not to make excuses for your behavior because the true goal is to not repeat this particular mistake again with this root. The purpose of apologizing is to take ownership and by identifying the cause we can help others better understand us and help deal with the primary emotions we are working on healing. Regardless of the reasons why the argument started it is important to give yourself and the other person grace.

  The truth is the people currently in our lives live in the shadows of the people that came before them. Those people that are in our past are in the past for a reason, and they may have said or done these things and now we project those things onto the interpretation of what others say or do. Most arguments stem from our past experiences and old wounds. Until we rewrite those stories and heal the wounds, we are likely to continue repeating the same patterns and experiencing the same issues. The healing journey is often difficult, but it is all about you. It is a gift you give yourself and as with all things worth doing it takes practice and time so don’t expect this to be easy when you first start out. If you are trying you are headed in the right direction. There are times when you may find the root has created multiple pathways and that various things trigger it. Each time you encounter that the wound gets smaller until it eventually heals entirely.  This may seem like a lengthy process, but in actuality it truly depends on the core wound. How far back it goes, how intricate and nuanced it is and how much it bothered you. There is nothing wrong with revisiting and settling the argument while you work on healing the primary event later. The point of this process is self-exploration, finding old injuries and healing them while communicating your needs better so that your relationships can grow. Not everyone will grow with you in your life and that is fine as well, this isn’t about them this is about you.

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